noun | Portuguese (Brazilian & European)
Pronunciation: /saʊˈdɑːd(ʒ)i/ or /sawˈdadʒi/
Definition:
A deep, emotional state of longing or yearning for someone or something that is absent; a tender, often melancholic nostalgia for a person, place, time, or experience that one loves and that may never return.
It’s so interesting how life is. I used to think that missing someone came from comparison, from comparing the present to the past. But saudade doesn’t come from comparison. It comes from the environment not responding to your muscle memory.
I look to the side and don’t see you. I cook for two and eat alone. I sleep on the same side of the bed, I close the bedroom door when I wake up. And you’re not there.
There’s no comparison. It’s not voluntary. It’s like trying to turn on the light and hitting the wall because the switch has been moved. It happens every day. And every day I feel it. A little more. A little stronger. And the discomfort I thought was small now becomes constant. Overwhelming.
But no one hears me cry. Today I cry alone.
And just as someone once beautifully said, saudade is a pain that comes in waves. It settles. Today it settles, because I have you, and soon you’ll be here. The food I cooked for two, you’ll eat with me. I’ll look to the side and you’ll be there. The house will be full again.
But in the meantime, the muscle trains itself again. And the next time you leave, it will be harder.
Being apart hurts a little every day. Today, while facetiming to you, I saw my reflection in your glasses. And in a strange feeling, I put myself in your place, looking at me from far away, and something inside me shifted. When we talk, I feel close. But what you see doesn’t reflect where I truly am. You don’t feel the smell I feel, or the cold or warmth on my skin.
I’m there in reproduction, but I’m not really there. You see me like a painting, a portion, a fraction. Today you don’t have me whole, just as I don’t have you whole.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to this feeling.
Now I know life is better in company, because we only feel alive through the reaction of our environment. And I need your laughter to live.
What a crazy feeling this is.
As always, stay in draft, keep becoming.
Me
